Last year, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to reconnect with the larger writing community. Which I did. I not only attended a writers conference, a writers retreat, and a reading retreat, I gathered a few authors to begin meeting on a monthly basis to encourage one another.
All those connections have been awesome. They have encouraged me in my writing as well as giving me an outlet to encourage other writers.
This year, I felt that same nudge toward finishing my book. Which I have done. Or rather, I am in the process of doing. It is currently with an editor. I hope to complete it this fall and publish it either winter or early spring. Again, it’s been great. I have so enjoyed putting a story on the page again. I am excited to see how I can make it better. And I would love for others to enjoy it!
But here’s the thing—all last year, and now this year, I’ve not been able to see more than a step or two ahead. Especially now, as I wait on the notes from the editor. Yes, I’m working on a small project in tandem with this book, so it’s not that I have nothing to do at the moment. It’s just that I don’t really know where all this will lead. I find myself wondering if this will be the last book I ever write, if it’s time to move on to other things in this season of life. Then I wonder if it won’t be the last book I ever write, if I will continue to learn to juggle work and people for the glory of God.
I can’t see the next step. I have to trust that God knows what I don’t, and He will lead me forward in the best ways.
And that is the definition of a life of faith, isn’t it?
Yet as much as I like to say we have faith, to believe I live a life of faith, but do I really?
I’ve come to see life as a constant tug of war between faith and control. Because living a life of faith means surrendering control to the One higher than myself. But I tend to tug back control to myself—to what I can see and feel and reason. This is true in my relationships, in my work, with my health and life circumstances. My constant desire is to walk by faith. My constant temptation is to assert my attempt at control. Which, of course, never works. For no matter how much I desire it, I can control little to nothing in my life.
As I ponder my work, the days ahead, it is like trying to see through thick fog. I have to continually remind myself to keep my eyes on Jesus, not the unknowns. To walk by faith, not sight. And to trust God to lead me in the way I should go.
Do you struggle in the tug of war between faith and control?